Day 13 - On Awakening
- nataliedoesyoga
- Sep 4, 2014
- 5 min read
There is no great, hidden secret to living beautifully. I've heard it said that one must simply be 'awake'. What does this mean? In Buddhism, the Buddha is the "Enlightened One" or the "Awakened One". There is the literal sense of the word, in which one is up and moving around, eyes (literally) open, physical body interacting with the world... When we are fatigued or feeling a bit off, others sometimes employ the expression, "WAKE UP." So what does it mean to be awake?
Well, what does it mean to be asleep? When we are asleep, we are generally tucked away, maybe under a blanket on the couch, in the backseat of a car, or nestled in the soft folds of our sheets. We are - for the most part - unaware of our physical surroundings. We are enveloped in the projections of our resting minds. We are turned inward, away from the world, unconscious, recharging.
Until about two months ago, I fear that I was living my life asleep. I was unconscious - turned inward - ignoring the world around me, not present, perhaps recharging, but asleep. During my final semester of college, I became involved in a business start-up internship. I graduated in December of 2013 and spent the first few months of the year marketing, interacting with clients, and growing my business. We launched production season in May. From February until May, I worked about 9-11 hours a day, 6-7 days a week; from May until July, I worked about 12-16 hours a day, 7 days a week. How, then, could I possibly be sleeping my way through a life so full and busy?
My life was my work. My work was my life. For some people, this is their zen space: a place on the edge of their limits - on the brink of just too far - that comprises just enough. Running my own business was rewarding, but it was also full of unforeseen challenges, unexpected obstacles, moments that made me want to rip my hair out, and situations that somehow - miraculously - did not break me. And somewhere along that road - the prettily paved road that we are taught, from a remarkably young age, to chase, to crave, to aspire to - I woke up. I realized I was living the American Dream - but that was my problem. I was dreaming. I was sleeping. I was caught up in the canvas of dollar signs and budgets and 'resume builders', and it all painted such a pretty picture, I never stopped to think that, perhaps, I should be painting my own portrait.
When my lease ended - the first week of July - I made the decision to shut down my business and move home. Everything that could possibly be taken as a sign was flashing - bright yellows and oranges, neon, blinking lights - telling me to step off the Big Money highway and head HOME. In that first week after making this decision, I felt utterly defeated. I felt that my decision to shut down was a sign of weakness - of failure. But as I recuperated, I began to dream my own dreams again - remember the hopes I'd once held for myself - and I began, for the first time in a long time, to plan. The momentary stagnation - the deep breath before the plunge - was exactly what I needed.
Through college, I was one of the hardest-working people I knew. My freshman and sophomore years of college, I made the 2-hour drive home 2-4 days a week to visit my sick mother, who died in October my sophomore year. After that, I worked 20 - 25 hours a week, attended school full-time, volunteered at my yoga studio in exchange for yoga, practiced yoga between 3 and 7 times a week, skied anywhere from 20-60 days during the winter, completed Yogi Training, completed a 200-hour Power Yoga Teacher Training program, and then completed its subsequent Level II Extensions Program - all through Corepower - while still graduating Cum Laude in English with a minor in Philosophy. I don't mean to boast, but, in hindsight, I accomplished rather a lot during my 4.5 years in college. I was a busy lady - but my point remains - I was so busy with all of my obligations, aspirations; I was so busy achieving my goals, I fell into the routine of it all along the way, and I fell asleep.
So, two months ago, when I felt like everything I'd so carefully and time-consumingly built was crashing down around me, it was the wake-up call of a lifetime. It was the collapse of my empire into the ocean, and it was the first time, in a long time, I'd seen the sea; and the view was glorious.
I began planning, not coasting. I began learning again, writing again, practicing yoga again, running again, going outside again, and filling my life with the things that bring me joy. I've been camping, and hiking, backpacking, fishing, boating, exploring, and living.
To be AWAKE means to live life consciously, with intention, with direction, with purpose. To me it means defying habit, destroying routine, and truly FEELING the joy of existence. To be awake means throwing off the blankets we've tucked ourselves away in - stripping away the articles of comfort we've build up around ourselves. Feeling the rawness of a cool breeze on our skin, the chill of a frozen mountain stream. Laughing with strangers who have become friends. Drinking deeply the briny waters of this vast ocean of life; setting our sails to the wind and finding the breeze that fills the fabric of our hearts.
To be awake, in a world of the walking dead, is a blessing. A gift. To pursue that which puts fire in the soul takes courage, takes discomfort, takes some time of not knowing if you've done the right thing. But when you forge your own path, things have a funny way of falling into place around you. So give yourself a break. Find that space of stillness. And WAKE UP to the world around you - find the space your soul longs to inhabit, and go there. Save up your money and explore the world on a dime. Paint a masterpiece. Write a book. But wake up, and live your life.
No great discovery was ever made at the end of a paved road. The hidden treasures of the world often require a little dirt on your boots, a few brave steps, and perhaps a scuffed knee or two to find. So break your own barriers, wake yourself up, find your line, and meet the moment.
There is no great, hidden secret to living beautifully; where there is joy, beauty cannot help but follow.
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