Day 6 - On Connection

Over the last few years, I have slowly withdrawn into myself. After my mom died, I experienced a brief period of astounding clarity, during which I felt deeply connected to and grateful for all of the incredible people in my life. After a few months, I began to turn inward, frequently breaking plans with friends - or avoiding making them altogether - ignoring phone calls, avoiding excessive socialization, until eventually, I spent several months in almost complete solitude, reflecting on what I'd learned over the last few years, what that meant to me, and who I truly was. Things got a little better from there, but I still experienced a frequent, desperate need for long periods of time by myself. I would grow anxious without this much needed down-time, and as time progressed, so did the anxiety. It wasn't just a need to be alone anymore, it became a fear of social interaction. I didn't want to talk to people, but I also recognized that this was strange behavior, even for me. I felt a suffocating tension in my abdomen every time I had to speak with someone, so I avoided checking my email, I avoided making eye contact with strangers, and I avoided conflict like it was my only job. Of course this was no way to live, and eventually my seemingly pathological need for solitude caught up with me.

I can talk about this now because, at the time (over the past three years) I didn't even realize I was doing this. Of course, our hindsight is always 20/20, but, as someone who considers herself an extremely introspective person - someone who is always seeking answers - I still can't believe I didn't notice myself withdrawing in such a significant way. In the month and a half since I shut down my business, I have spent some much-needed time in nature, and I have created new - and reestablished old - connections with people who mean the world to me. I finally feel like myself again. I have spent time with my very best friends - the people who have loved me through thick and thin, good and bad, through friendship, fights, and various embarrassments - and I could not be more grateful. I thought for a long time that I was me, even in my solitude, but I see now that these people who loved me when I could not have been less lovable, are part of who I am. They are my chosen family.

Connection is a necessary part of human existence. We are social beings, and even those of us who prefer a large amount of self-time still need human connection to flourish. I have found that, as I return to nature and to these interpersonal connections, I feel more and more whole. Sharing my life with the incredible people who have befriended me is an utter privilege, and as these connections grow, so too does my sense of purpose, my sense of self, and my sense of no-self. To feel a part of the world is an extraordinary gift. And as I find the peace within myself that I have so long sought, so too grows my experience of connectedness to every individual who touches my life, no matter how briefly.

In yoga we say 'namaste', which means the light AND the darkness that coexist in me acknowledge and honor the light and the darkness that coexist in you. Because this light and this dark exists in each and every one of us, we are the same. We are one. I am grateful to feel that I understand what this means right now, and I hold hope that, should I ever again forget this feeling, I will have the strength of will to keep moving forward until I find the answer once again. I hope the same for you. Namaste.

#connection #writing #prose #introversion #extraversion #depression #psychology #behavior #behavioralpsychology #namaste #om #yoga #friendship #love