Timing. Timing is a funny thing. I've often found that the timing of my life is exactly what is needs to be. I've found that life tends to unfold the way it's meant to; but, as I discussed yesterday, I'm starting to think that perhaps it's been my decisions for myself that have always created this illusion of predetermination.
Today, the timing of my life feels all out of sorts. Today, it feels like time is taunting me from atop the monkey bars as I struggle to pull my feet and ankles out of a layer of partially-dried cement.
If I could go back in time and change everything and anything that has happened in my life, I would choose to leave everything exactly as it is. I am incredibly proud of the woman I've become, because I've fought like hell to become her. If even the tiniest detail of my life had been different, I'm not so sure I would be who I am today. The little things matter. The big things matter. And everything that happens in between matters. We are no more than the sum of our parts. The eclectic and unique jumble of experiences, choices, fears that have come to pass, victories hard-fought and won - all of these seemingly singular experiences come together to form the beautiful collage of you and me.
Sometimes it's hard to see the silver lining of a storm cloud when you feel caught in the gale. Sometimes it's difficult to forgive, to stop feeling angry, or betrayed, or hurt. All of these emotions are just varying forms of vulnerability - an under-valued asset in our culture. We prize the resiliant, worship the strong, idolize the stoic... and we frown upon the emotional, reject the loving, and ostracize the mentally ill. We spend more time contemplating ways around explicitly stating our feelings and intentions than we do actually feeling the feelings we're afraid to express. We find ourselves skeptical - unable to trust for fear of rejection - and so everyday we deny to those around us that which we, ourselves, crave most: acceptance, love, and support. And we wonder, day in and day out, why we are alone.
I don't believe anyone hails from this space of fear; fear is something we learn. And before we can love those around us, we must acknowledge and release this fear from our lives, from our minds, from our selves. I have known this fear intimately. I have been as close to fear, as intricately entangled in it, as I have been to love, and probably moreso. Fear is one of the most difficult emotions to release, but, many years ago, one of my dearest friends, Alec Rouben, gave me a mantra that I recited every day for many weeks:
"I forgive everyone for everything they have ever done to harm me.
I ask for and receive forgiveness for everything I have ever done to harm others.
I forgive myself.
"I dwell in light. I dwell in love. I dwell in the universe."
Letting go of fear, like holding on to happiness, is a practice. It is an effort that must be repeated daily. I have found that arriving in a space of comfort and expecting to stay there is a surefire way to dissappoint yourself. I know better than to pause and think for a moment that everything is going to be easy now - that the universe has somehow aligned, and the timing of my life was somehow as perfect as it seemed to be. But I do believe that, when we choose to be vulnerable, we choose to be strong. When we choose to love freely, we choose to invite love into our space. When we choose to forgive, we choose to accept. And when we choose to let go, we choose to move on.
And so, I am going to do what I've always done: trust in the universe that everything is happening exactly as it's supposed to... trust in myself to find that elusive silver lining; however you want to look at it, it's all the same to me. I'm going to do what I've always done and choose to grow through the pain, try and understand its purpose, and know that, no matter what, I can make it through this. I will be okay.