Happiness is fleeting. Happiness is impermanent. We do not arrive at happiness without effort, and we do not stay there without the same. Happiness arrives in a variety of forms, in a variety of ways, and when we feel happy, sometimes we forget that we have not - and probably won't - always feel that way.
Happiness, for me, is a constant struggle. I have come to know myself well enough to recognize this. I have a (biological) family history of depression and bipolar disorder. For a very long time, I thought I was bipolar. I have experienced depression and anxiety. And my greatest fear is falling back into those spaces. I have written on this before. I have talked about being trapped beneath the ice - because that is how I think of it. Right now, the space I currently occupy, this is my most authentic self. I am happy. I feel joy almost all of the time. I am able to love myself and love others freely and without judgement. I feel good. I feel capable. I feel like myself - the same way I felt as a child. But sometimes, I do fall into those spaces. I find myself stuck in a rut, so to speak. Trapped beneath the ice. And I can see my normal self with normal thoughts gazing at me through the ice, bent on hands and knees, almost clawing at the coldness, trying to reach me. Those times feel horrible. And those are the times that have made me strong.
I have made it through those moments - the ones that I thought I never could. I have lived through the pain, and I have emerged... The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light when I finally emerge into myself again.
My trick? I have never given up on myself. I constantly tell myself, over and over, that I am this
person - the person I am now, in this moment. I read inspirational books and quotes. I download apps like Super Better. And I work and I persevere and I fight until I break free of my own inhibitions. I have never been good at relying on others. I have never really known how to ask for help. But I have gotten much better about it. I have learned how to talk to my dad about it. There are certain people who have shown me what love truly means. I have developed a strong support system - there are several individuals who are always willing to pick me up when I fall. They know who they are. And they know how much I love them.
BUT, at the end of the day, we are ENTIRELY responsible for our own happiness. We must learn to LOVE ourselves. We must learn to pick ourselves up when we fall. It is unfair to put that responsibility on anyone else. It is okay to receive a helping hand every now and then, but when push comes to shove... we must push and shove and fight until we find happiness again. And when we find that happiness, this work cannot stop. When we find happiness, we must continue to build our perception of our self. We must remember who we are, who we want to be.
And if we remind ourselves everyday of all the reasons we love ourselves, maybe, one day, we will truly love ourselves, and those reminders will become nothing more than our everyday thoughts.