Today, for the first time since I arrived in Thailand, I don't want to be here. I have to admit, it's a disappointing way to start the New Year. I also have to admit, I expected these feelings to follow the departure of my friends and my return to my site after our trip together. I think the feelings are compounded by the loss of my office (which I've been expecting since October), my relocation to a small desk in an administrative room off a noisy hallway, teaching half of my classes alone this week due to teacher meetings, and having my coteacher return, only to leave me alone in class without saying where she was going and spend the beginning of class on her phone. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I guess eventually a lot of little things begin to wear a person down.
My moral is low. I left school early yesterday. This morning, I dragged myself out of bed half an hour after the first bell already rang. I haven't showered in three days (granted also it's been cold, and I don't have hot water in my house). I've been fighting back tears all morning. I sat quietly and cried with my partner on the phone last night. And I'm doing my best to let myself feel all of the things I'm feeling. I'm doing my best to not push away the uncomfortable emotions engulfing me. I'm trying to push through them.
If I'm being honest, I feel unappreciated, disrespected, and frustrated. If I'm being honest, I miss my family. If I'm being honest, I'm tired of having my time disrespected. I'm tired of microaggressions I frequently experience at the hands of Thai people (outside of my community). I'm tired of the absence of respect given to children here. I'm tired of watching my students idly milling about the campus when their classes are cancelled for teacher meetings. I'm tired of corporal punishment. I'm tired of being the only person here who seems to take issue with all of these things. I'm tired of biting my tongue. I'm tired of D.I.V.E.ing.
I'm tired. Truly, that's what it comes down to. This is a different kind of exhaustion - one I've never experienced, and one I don't know what to do with - and I'm hoping a weekend of rest, a good run, and a bike ride to 7-11 for some chocolate will help me kick these blues. I miss my people back home. I miss my people HERE, who are scattered across the country. I miss my partner and the security of his gentle presence. I miss wine nights with my girlfriends. I miss skiing. I miss Pikes Peak. I miss driving. I miss snow. I miss sitting by the fire with my family in my dad's living room.
It's just a lot to feel all at once. I guess this is all part of it. This is the stuff they warned us about. This is the stuff I've been waiting to feel, hoping these feelings would never arrive... yet here they are, as uncomfortable and unwelcome as I imagined they would be. And it's okay. It's okay to not love every part of this experience. It's okay to be alone and frustrated. It's okay to feel like an outsider. It's okay to be tired, to miss, to yearn, to cry, to take the time to write it all down, so maybe I can start acknowledging the jumble of emotions twisting my insides. To share all of it with anyone who will listen, because I can't explain any of it to anyone here in a way that will adequately convey the breadth of feelings I'm feeling. It's okay.
I am finding solace in the words of one of my favorite poets:
"It's okay. It's okay. Everything you feel is okay."
