Thus far, I don't think I've been able to take a single picture that adequately captures the beauty of Tha Chang. Every day I ride my bike by the river. The air smells like rain and flowers, sometimes open sewage, sometimes burning trash. The river is a creeping, muddy brown. There are sunken boats and barges littering its banks, soft as an afterthought - the game you forgot you were playing, an unfinished painting, long forgotten and fading by the window that always gets the morning sun. Tha Chang sounds like the crackle of flames, the jingle of the chimes in a breeze, the laughter of the native people shouting greetings from their yards or the rice fields, the echo of the Wat bells ringing.
There's a certain silence that comes with anonymity. It feels like becoming a ghost that flits across the landscape, a specter of excitement in a fleeting moment, remembered for the feeling, but forgotten as anything more.
I find myself remembering specific events back home. I wonder what made us argue so much. I remember the emptiness of waiting for purpose, lonely moments driving the back roads in Colorado, wondering what was waiting for me - here, in a city I'd never heard of, in a part of the world I'd never seen, with people I hadn't met yet, in a home that would seem strange on my first lonely night - before I'd learned why Thai people shower twice a day... before I'd started mixing Thai and Spanish in my head. Before I'd learned my sister, Neem, has never seen Pocahontas. Before I knew there was a family here I would soon be unable to image my life without, when so many small things seemed so much bigger.
My blessings still stress me out sometimes, and I'm learning that this is just part of being human. It's easy to overlook the details when we're constantly wondering what comes next. I'm learning to remember to appreciate where I am. I relearn this lesson daily.
I thought I came here to give purpose to my life, because giving back is part of who I am. I'm finding more each day that there are still parts of me I haven't met yet. I'm finding more each day, I didn't come here for who I am... I came here for who I will be. I am becoming all over again. And I don't think there's anywhere I'd rather relearn to be me.
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